The Fight, The Fear, and the Faith to Finish

Dear readers,

It's been far too long since I've written you last. Rest assured, this lack of news is good news indeed.  It's taken a good while of careful observation, but I think that *knock on wood* this new round of antibiotics has worked.   The Dr. said that if my symptoms come back, he wants to screen me for Lyme's and pretty much everything else before putting me on more meds.  YIPPY!!!  Lo an behold, this leaves me no more to write about here for the time being. Done-and-done.  ...  This is a strange and sad parting.

 I flee, joyfully distancing myself from this wretched ailment every time I wiggle my fingers pain-free.  However, there is a burdened hesitation every time I go to do something that has in the past been painful, like turn the key in a stiff lock. This residual fear has been of paramount importance to me since this November when my symptoms came back.  I was afraid of doing things that could hurt.  I was afraid of getting into a situation where I had to either bow out with the vague excuse of "I'm tired" or push through on my depleted reserves of strength.  I was afraid of having to stand for long periods of time, of walking too far, of pushing my unpredictable body too hard.  That list of fears has now turned into a checklist of milestones, meant to be reached....then surpassed.  Sometimes, I do things just to see if I can.  I sprint from place to place just to see if my knees hold up and if my heart palpitates.  That wholesome, normal feeling is perhaps sub-par to the pre-Lyme's me, but it's incomparably stronger and better than the in-Lyme's me.

This fight has not come easy.  Illness of any shape, size, or figure is difficult; dealing with illusive, painful, hard-to-diagnose ailments is enough to make you tear your hair out and face-pant on the floor in defeat.  Casualties of this trip down Deer-tick Lane have included (but are not limited to) 1. my ability to get a summer or winter-break job, 2. golden windows for pursuing friendships and opportunities, and 3. eight months of my life.  They have been laid to rest.  I leave these figures of the past to reside there - left like the changing of a season - so that I may move on as a restoration of the Original Me.

How I feel now  :)
[note - not me... thank you Google images!]

I would never have made it without the incredible number of blessings poured into my life.  Time and time again, I find myself in tears from neither pain nor discouragement, but from the realization that I am infinitely loved by the same God who designed me, assembled me, and sustained me throughout this ordeal.  God used my family, friends, mentors, doctors, and even strangers to guide me through this valley of shadow.  But I no longer fear - for Christ has overcome the world, and with him, I have overcome both disease and self-doubt.  Who can stop me now?!

Because of Christ and the enormity of blessings he had gifted to me, I have fought for my life, relinquished the fear of failure, an finished this trial of body, mind, and spirit.  On Christ the solid rock I stand - all other ground is sinking sand.  This new-found  freedom breathes oxygen into the dusty corners of my soul.   It has been a bumpy ride - thank you for hanging on through it with me.  I know I've complained quite a bit and that there is not a lot of joyful entertainment here, but I couldn't even begin to tell you how valuable this has been for me.  With this I give my last farewell.

All my love,
~Melissa

P.S. - if you'd like to hear more stories and the like about life (not so much related to Lyme's as other things), stay tuned and look for a new link or blog name reference.  :)