How are you doing? Kosher and Non-kosher Questions

Here is a typical conversation that I have countless times each day.
Each time makes me twitch.


"Hey Melissa!"
"Howdy, friend, long-time-no-see!"
"How are you doing?" 


That last question can be one of the most awful questions to ask someone in my situation.

      It's not because we don't love you, it's not that we find you unimportant or anything like that.  These words render a much greater explanation than we can usually give in a passing conversation.  This is especially true when the inquirer is unfamiliar with what's actually going on under the surface.  Sometimes there isn't enough time in a given situation for me to explain my medical history for the past year.  Sometimes I'm in so much pain that the very last thing I want to do is talk about it - putting my mind on the very thing I try so hard to ignore.  I'm touched by your concern, I really am, but please, don't ask unless you have the time.  Otherwise, I might give you a puny answer...
 "um, I'm ok... could be better, but not dead yet..."
Or worse, I might lie to you... "I'm doin' just fine" before rapidly changing subject..."how are you? how's school going?"

 Please forgive me when I do this - sometimes it's my only defense against this yucky question. I'm not trying to be fake, I'm just miserable and protective.

    Training my mind to forget the pain for the sake of daily function is not a simple task.  It has taken me months to perfect, but you can ruin a winning streak by asking me this question.  When I'm distracted by what I'm doing or who I'm with, what matters most is then on my mind - not the swollen joints and fatigue which I can do nothing about.  That's how I was able to do things like volunteer and babysit and sing on the Praise team all summer (well, that, and a TON of Excedrine) ... those things matter so much to me, I made them my focus, leaving no room for self-pitying or misery-wallowing. When you ask "how are you doing?" you force me to put my attention back on myself and therefor back onto my pain.  Don't do that - please, just don't.

     There is one exception to this general rule:  if we both have the time for a real conversation, you are familiar with my back-story, you are genuinely concerned for my well-being, and you are ready to give positive support, THEN you may ask
"How are you feeling today? Have you noticed any changes since last we've spoken? How's the war?  Any news from the front lines? Is there a more specific way I can pray for you? Are you up to doing X today, or can I do it for you?"
     Those are kosher questions.  Those are loving questions in an appropriate context.   I need to be asked these questions on occasion!  I need someone to prompt me to reflect on this, and I need to know that someone still cares.

Theoretically, you are reading this because you asked - because you cared. I can't thank you enough for caring - I could not have survived the summer or this most recent flair-up without your loving concern and constant prayers.

All my love,
~Melissa

P.S. - Have any questions about Kosher and non-Kosher questions to ask people in similar situations? Leave a comment, or better yet, make a coffee date with the friend herself/himself.